Friends who expect more

Friends who expect more

The term friends with benefits has been floating around for a while now, but is there a term for those friends who every now and then regress from being a friend to attempt to make an unwelcome move on you?

I will provide an example using a chap named Simon (name has been changed for his own modesty), Simon is a nice enough guy, has a variety of women around him being on the music scene, lives at home with mum and dad and currently earns a living via music rather than a 9 to 5. To break the groans, I have no issue with anyone who lives at home; my current beau has his mum in residence. The family share a house and it is very much all of their space, not the parental space with kids in residence. Perhaps it is how they carry themselves and takes responsibility; I haven't however been into Simon's home. I also have no issue with those that do not hold down a 9 to 5 job as my same beau is a self-employed person who makes a very good living from what he does.

So back to Simon, as a friend I haven't seen him for over a year, closer to two years, we have spoken maybe a handful of times, however I have known him for near on 5 years. When perhaps we spoke and met up more. Where he is concerned I have always been rather flaky, probably not the greatest of friends in retrospect, many a time we would arrange to meet up but then it resulted in me saying I can't come or worse just not turning up. I have mended my ways now; I just don't bother arranging it in the first place. Not the best way, but a good way to ensure I am not letting others down. There have been several times when Simon has tried to have conversations with me to the effect that he wants to be 'the man in my life' or that he can give me 'everything I want' et cetera et cetera. How I want to know does Simon know what I want and further more why should there be a man in my life? At the moment I do not feel the need to disclose my current relationship to him, the added pressure of people asking how it's going, is he treating you correctly and so on. Personally I am now at the stage where if I wasn't being treated properly I wouldn't put myself, or keep myself in the situation. So I question, if I am not disclosing that I am in a relationship why must I be searching for a Mr. Right in others eyes. Furthermore if I am being the single celibate female then why must Simon feel compelled to make an advance in my direction, in the form of a 4 am text message, phone call or request for an outing? Is it that I must be absolutely desperate! Believe me I have been celibate a lot longer previously than he thinks I currently am.

Maybe it is a male genetic disorder that makes them forget themselves momentarily when tired / lonely / drunk or just every couple of months – I don't know, answers on a postcard.

Why must a relationship be defined?

A relationship is simply something that two people share, be they friends or more. However, people who are more than friends, possibly lovers too can often find it hard to define themselves as being together.

I question whether it is a new fear that men and women have or if it has been going on for centuries. One can be intimate with someone for years, go out together be it by themselves or with friends, but moving the intimacy to a defined relationship can be a hard task. There are the endless thoughts that go through your head, what if they don’t want to move it on, what if they don’t see the other person in their future and this, whatever it maybe, is just a stop gap. Having these doubts in your head can stop you from ever proceeding with the main question. What happens though if both the man and the woman are doing this? Does it mean that they will never have an official title? Do they need an official title?

Most people have some goals that they would like to achieve by certain points in time; it maybe to have earned a certain amount, cleared your debts, got to a certain stage in your career. Until these goals have been achieved, they may not feel content to bring someone else into their word. If they are not able to achieve what they want for themselves then they do not feel capable to share that with another. It may be hard to understand this as the other person, because you may feel that you can assist with these goals. While this may be true, some things people have to complete themselves.

It’s best not to skirt around the edges where relationships are concerned, if you are not happy with the situation, then speaking up about it is the only way that it can be easily addressed. People are not mind readers, nor will they ever be, so if you truly want someone to know what you are feeling then the only way is to let them know. Simply, straight to the point without all the word twisting, be blunt and be considerate.

The importance of you time

The majority of people spend most of their time within the work place, spending up to 10 hours at work and on the commute. They should also spend 8 hours of their time asleep to help their body to heal and restore. That equates to 18 hours of a 24 hour day. So that leaves 6 hours for most to do their daily tasks and recreation.

Is 6 hours really enough for anyone to have me time? Typically I can think of several daily tasks that will take up a huge chunk of that time, an hour of meal cooking / preparation / making the next day’s lunch, a half hour bath and getting ready for bed, an hour of washing up / tidying / laundry. So when do we fit in the time to spend with our loved ones, the time to spend with ourselves, be it a good book, a movie, a computer game?
Some people may find that the jobs they do alternates so on a Monday they may get all their housekeeping done, on Tuesday they may spend time with friends and so on. Is this really practical though, as you may find that your home / social / private lives slip for a week at a time.
Thinking about the options available are the first steps that should be taken if your work / life balance doesn’t seem to match. Consider what action you need to do, perhaps you could find a way to speed up your commute such as a different mode of transport, perhaps you could relocate closer to your home, both of which will cost money. Another alternative is to allow yourself some more time every day by reducing your work hours, it does not have to be a huge reduction; it could be around 5/10 hours a week, a 4 day week. Considering this may mean that you have slightly less money in your pocket at the end of the week, but when you consider other costs that you may incur, such as food deliveries, take outs or childcare you may find that everything evens out in the end.

There is no time like you time, however you choose to go about gaining it, it is essential that you find some, remember who you are, find who you are and find yourself some you time.

Lonely hearts club

Some people think that there is a perfect someone out there for them, wherever out there is. What is it that makes people forever be looking for them via the lonely hearts club? Why is it that when we break up from that one special person we feel as though our whole body is being crushed, doomed to loneliness? Yet down the line, we are fine, we didn’t in fact fall to pieces, nor did our bodies stop working and the world definitely did not end.

Having been around someone that you love or even just care for, when the time comes that you are not around them, it is almost as though there is a void in your life. It may not be that they are gone out of your life forever, it could be that they are away on holiday or away for a work weekend. You remember the good times and the bad times, miss them sitting next to you, even just miss them watching the one program that you hate to hear when they are around. Becoming fond of someone generates these feelings.

The lonely hearts club need not be a place full of wanting men and women, it should be a liberating experience when the time is used to get to know your very best friend, the one who will never let you down – YOU!