For a good while now the notion of being an independent woman has been hailed as a great thing, having a good job, nice house and the prospect of as many dates as possible. What happens though when you are bored of being independent and want to regress a little to being something in between a kept woman (or man) and oh so alone.
Don’t get me wrong, having your own job, house, car etc is a great thing to be able to boast, however having these things shouldn’t mean that you are forfeiting a stable relationship while you are there. Society does seem to favour either one or the other, you can either be a good housewife or an independent person / business woman. I like to think that everybody is independent, we all lead our own lives and unless we are in a very restricting situation have our own opinions and rights. Being a housewife, stay at home mum or simply married doesn’t make you any less independent. Does it?
Assuming though that one is of the working kind, minus partner, with own house and or car, there can come the point when you get bored of being independent. You can have as many dates as you want but sometimes not having that special person at home can be one of the loneliest feelings. Just as you can fill you days with as many activities as you want but when they are finished, it’s still just you.
I understand that relationships aren’t for everybody and others (like myself) can struggle to find that right person. Given the choice however, understand you can be partnerpendent!
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Tuesday 5 October 2010
Who do you think you are?
The air around Irene is hot, providing an atmosphere that is stifling. Yet at the same time it has a peculiar feeling of home to it. Although very much an outsider to this world that she has never been to before and with people whom she has never met the majority; she can feel her roots burying deep into the world around her. Sitting on the bus amongst these people who she has just found out to be family, from back home and many of who don’t live more than 10 miles away from her, everything is surreal.
Irene’s grandfather was a Jamaican man; he came over to England many moons ago and set up family in England, where they stayed. Growing up Irene’s family was very nuclear, mum, dad and herself. So when they were contacted by ‘some family from back home’, Irene’s mum dismissed the notion and deemed it a scam. However five years later when the offer had come around again, her mum decided to explore further. Irene herself was going through some life changing emotional turmoil and was coming out the other side. So when her mum offered to fund a once in a lifetime trip to Jamaica she jumped at the chance.
150 people and a bus later, Irene feels full of emotion.
“The idea I had in my head was so different, I pictured a flat island, mostly beach and warmth” She thinks to herself, little did she know that as an island, yes it is warm but it is mountainous too. Going around the quite substantial roads in the most rickety of people carriers, soaking in the views and the sights they all headed towards where Bob Marley used to live. The new family she had inherited, having never met them before were nice enough people, a mix of ages, husbands, wives, kids and grandparents all sharing their wisdom as most had been there before.
“Now, don’t be taking none of the produce from the people at the gate, they may not charge you and you may be offered a tour which provides free marijuana, do not do this” said the tour guide firmly “it is not in your best interest”.
Looking out the window Irene saw some of the biggest supplies of weed that the eye could behold. Every now and then it may be seen that a younger person around London has a little bag, but these were actual branch sized amounts being waved at them. It was when Irene heard sniggering and laughing that she actually focused her eyes to the people who were selling this merchandise.
“My goodness, they’re only children, imagine to be in such a situation”. She mumbled to herself, which was promptly overshadowed by new members of her own family laughing at everything from the looks, to the way the street sellers were acting and everything in between. Disgusted and angered she lashed out. These family members may have been young, but they were no younger than she.
“What is your problem, may I remind you, that if your granddad hadn’t decided to leave this country, that could well be you over there, don’t think you’d be wearing the clothes you are or have your hair pressed to the perfection that it is. You may well be that same person there just trying to make a living, feed your family, furthermore you’d not be in school like they should be”. Her rant went on, stunning these new people into silence, see she may have been the quite type and her family thought this too. When pushed however, Irene would happily speak up.
You see she knew where she came from, the question is do you know where you come from?
Irene’s grandfather was a Jamaican man; he came over to England many moons ago and set up family in England, where they stayed. Growing up Irene’s family was very nuclear, mum, dad and herself. So when they were contacted by ‘some family from back home’, Irene’s mum dismissed the notion and deemed it a scam. However five years later when the offer had come around again, her mum decided to explore further. Irene herself was going through some life changing emotional turmoil and was coming out the other side. So when her mum offered to fund a once in a lifetime trip to Jamaica she jumped at the chance.
150 people and a bus later, Irene feels full of emotion.
“The idea I had in my head was so different, I pictured a flat island, mostly beach and warmth” She thinks to herself, little did she know that as an island, yes it is warm but it is mountainous too. Going around the quite substantial roads in the most rickety of people carriers, soaking in the views and the sights they all headed towards where Bob Marley used to live. The new family she had inherited, having never met them before were nice enough people, a mix of ages, husbands, wives, kids and grandparents all sharing their wisdom as most had been there before.
“Now, don’t be taking none of the produce from the people at the gate, they may not charge you and you may be offered a tour which provides free marijuana, do not do this” said the tour guide firmly “it is not in your best interest”.
Looking out the window Irene saw some of the biggest supplies of weed that the eye could behold. Every now and then it may be seen that a younger person around London has a little bag, but these were actual branch sized amounts being waved at them. It was when Irene heard sniggering and laughing that she actually focused her eyes to the people who were selling this merchandise.
“My goodness, they’re only children, imagine to be in such a situation”. She mumbled to herself, which was promptly overshadowed by new members of her own family laughing at everything from the looks, to the way the street sellers were acting and everything in between. Disgusted and angered she lashed out. These family members may have been young, but they were no younger than she.
“What is your problem, may I remind you, that if your granddad hadn’t decided to leave this country, that could well be you over there, don’t think you’d be wearing the clothes you are or have your hair pressed to the perfection that it is. You may well be that same person there just trying to make a living, feed your family, furthermore you’d not be in school like they should be”. Her rant went on, stunning these new people into silence, see she may have been the quite type and her family thought this too. When pushed however, Irene would happily speak up.
You see she knew where she came from, the question is do you know where you come from?
Monday 20 September 2010
Friends who expect more
Friends who expect more
The term friends with benefits has been floating around for a while now, but is there a term for those friends who every now and then regress from being a friend to attempt to make an unwelcome move on you?
I will provide an example using a chap named Simon (name has been changed for his own modesty), Simon is a nice enough guy, has a variety of women around him being on the music scene, lives at home with mum and dad and currently earns a living via music rather than a 9 to 5. To break the groans, I have no issue with anyone who lives at home; my current beau has his mum in residence. The family share a house and it is very much all of their space, not the parental space with kids in residence. Perhaps it is how they carry themselves and takes responsibility; I haven't however been into Simon's home. I also have no issue with those that do not hold down a 9 to 5 job as my same beau is a self-employed person who makes a very good living from what he does.
So back to Simon, as a friend I haven't seen him for over a year, closer to two years, we have spoken maybe a handful of times, however I have known him for near on 5 years. When perhaps we spoke and met up more. Where he is concerned I have always been rather flaky, probably not the greatest of friends in retrospect, many a time we would arrange to meet up but then it resulted in me saying I can't come or worse just not turning up. I have mended my ways now; I just don't bother arranging it in the first place. Not the best way, but a good way to ensure I am not letting others down. There have been several times when Simon has tried to have conversations with me to the effect that he wants to be 'the man in my life' or that he can give me 'everything I want' et cetera et cetera. How I want to know does Simon know what I want and further more why should there be a man in my life? At the moment I do not feel the need to disclose my current relationship to him, the added pressure of people asking how it's going, is he treating you correctly and so on. Personally I am now at the stage where if I wasn't being treated properly I wouldn't put myself, or keep myself in the situation. So I question, if I am not disclosing that I am in a relationship why must I be searching for a Mr. Right in others eyes. Furthermore if I am being the single celibate female then why must Simon feel compelled to make an advance in my direction, in the form of a 4 am text message, phone call or request for an outing? Is it that I must be absolutely desperate! Believe me I have been celibate a lot longer previously than he thinks I currently am.
Maybe it is a male genetic disorder that makes them forget themselves momentarily when tired / lonely / drunk or just every couple of months – I don't know, answers on a postcard.
Saturday 18 September 2010
Why must a relationship be defined?
A relationship is simply something that two people share, be they friends or more. However, people who are more than friends, possibly lovers too can often find it hard to define themselves as being together.
I question whether it is a new fear that men and women have or if it has been going on for centuries. One can be intimate with someone for years, go out together be it by themselves or with friends, but moving the intimacy to a defined relationship can be a hard task. There are the endless thoughts that go through your head, what if they don’t want to move it on, what if they don’t see the other person in their future and this, whatever it maybe, is just a stop gap. Having these doubts in your head can stop you from ever proceeding with the main question. What happens though if both the man and the woman are doing this? Does it mean that they will never have an official title? Do they need an official title?
Most people have some goals that they would like to achieve by certain points in time; it maybe to have earned a certain amount, cleared your debts, got to a certain stage in your career. Until these goals have been achieved, they may not feel content to bring someone else into their word. If they are not able to achieve what they want for themselves then they do not feel capable to share that with another. It may be hard to understand this as the other person, because you may feel that you can assist with these goals. While this may be true, some things people have to complete themselves.
It’s best not to skirt around the edges where relationships are concerned, if you are not happy with the situation, then speaking up about it is the only way that it can be easily addressed. People are not mind readers, nor will they ever be, so if you truly want someone to know what you are feeling then the only way is to let them know. Simply, straight to the point without all the word twisting, be blunt and be considerate.
I question whether it is a new fear that men and women have or if it has been going on for centuries. One can be intimate with someone for years, go out together be it by themselves or with friends, but moving the intimacy to a defined relationship can be a hard task. There are the endless thoughts that go through your head, what if they don’t want to move it on, what if they don’t see the other person in their future and this, whatever it maybe, is just a stop gap. Having these doubts in your head can stop you from ever proceeding with the main question. What happens though if both the man and the woman are doing this? Does it mean that they will never have an official title? Do they need an official title?
Most people have some goals that they would like to achieve by certain points in time; it maybe to have earned a certain amount, cleared your debts, got to a certain stage in your career. Until these goals have been achieved, they may not feel content to bring someone else into their word. If they are not able to achieve what they want for themselves then they do not feel capable to share that with another. It may be hard to understand this as the other person, because you may feel that you can assist with these goals. While this may be true, some things people have to complete themselves.
It’s best not to skirt around the edges where relationships are concerned, if you are not happy with the situation, then speaking up about it is the only way that it can be easily addressed. People are not mind readers, nor will they ever be, so if you truly want someone to know what you are feeling then the only way is to let them know. Simply, straight to the point without all the word twisting, be blunt and be considerate.
Sunday 12 September 2010
The importance of you time
The majority of people spend most of their time within the work place, spending up to 10 hours at work and on the commute. They should also spend 8 hours of their time asleep to help their body to heal and restore. That equates to 18 hours of a 24 hour day. So that leaves 6 hours for most to do their daily tasks and recreation.
Is 6 hours really enough for anyone to have me time? Typically I can think of several daily tasks that will take up a huge chunk of that time, an hour of meal cooking / preparation / making the next day’s lunch, a half hour bath and getting ready for bed, an hour of washing up / tidying / laundry. So when do we fit in the time to spend with our loved ones, the time to spend with ourselves, be it a good book, a movie, a computer game?
Some people may find that the jobs they do alternates so on a Monday they may get all their housekeeping done, on Tuesday they may spend time with friends and so on. Is this really practical though, as you may find that your home / social / private lives slip for a week at a time.
Thinking about the options available are the first steps that should be taken if your work / life balance doesn’t seem to match. Consider what action you need to do, perhaps you could find a way to speed up your commute such as a different mode of transport, perhaps you could relocate closer to your home, both of which will cost money. Another alternative is to allow yourself some more time every day by reducing your work hours, it does not have to be a huge reduction; it could be around 5/10 hours a week, a 4 day week. Considering this may mean that you have slightly less money in your pocket at the end of the week, but when you consider other costs that you may incur, such as food deliveries, take outs or childcare you may find that everything evens out in the end.
There is no time like you time, however you choose to go about gaining it, it is essential that you find some, remember who you are, find who you are and find yourself some you time.
Is 6 hours really enough for anyone to have me time? Typically I can think of several daily tasks that will take up a huge chunk of that time, an hour of meal cooking / preparation / making the next day’s lunch, a half hour bath and getting ready for bed, an hour of washing up / tidying / laundry. So when do we fit in the time to spend with our loved ones, the time to spend with ourselves, be it a good book, a movie, a computer game?
Some people may find that the jobs they do alternates so on a Monday they may get all their housekeeping done, on Tuesday they may spend time with friends and so on. Is this really practical though, as you may find that your home / social / private lives slip for a week at a time.
Thinking about the options available are the first steps that should be taken if your work / life balance doesn’t seem to match. Consider what action you need to do, perhaps you could find a way to speed up your commute such as a different mode of transport, perhaps you could relocate closer to your home, both of which will cost money. Another alternative is to allow yourself some more time every day by reducing your work hours, it does not have to be a huge reduction; it could be around 5/10 hours a week, a 4 day week. Considering this may mean that you have slightly less money in your pocket at the end of the week, but when you consider other costs that you may incur, such as food deliveries, take outs or childcare you may find that everything evens out in the end.
There is no time like you time, however you choose to go about gaining it, it is essential that you find some, remember who you are, find who you are and find yourself some you time.
Monday 6 September 2010
Lonely hearts club
Some people think that there is a perfect someone out there for them, wherever out there is. What is it that makes people forever be looking for them via the lonely hearts club? Why is it that when we break up from that one special person we feel as though our whole body is being crushed, doomed to loneliness? Yet down the line, we are fine, we didn’t in fact fall to pieces, nor did our bodies stop working and the world definitely did not end.
Having been around someone that you love or even just care for, when the time comes that you are not around them, it is almost as though there is a void in your life. It may not be that they are gone out of your life forever, it could be that they are away on holiday or away for a work weekend. You remember the good times and the bad times, miss them sitting next to you, even just miss them watching the one program that you hate to hear when they are around. Becoming fond of someone generates these feelings.
The lonely hearts club need not be a place full of wanting men and women, it should be a liberating experience when the time is used to get to know your very best friend, the one who will never let you down – YOU!
Having been around someone that you love or even just care for, when the time comes that you are not around them, it is almost as though there is a void in your life. It may not be that they are gone out of your life forever, it could be that they are away on holiday or away for a work weekend. You remember the good times and the bad times, miss them sitting next to you, even just miss them watching the one program that you hate to hear when they are around. Becoming fond of someone generates these feelings.
The lonely hearts club need not be a place full of wanting men and women, it should be a liberating experience when the time is used to get to know your very best friend, the one who will never let you down – YOU!
Saturday 28 August 2010
People still see rainbows and judge accordingly.
When I see red it denotes anger, yellow happiness and blue sadness and they are all moods that we learnt as a child. As I have grown I have developed the ability to see past the colours and the associated moods and see them for what they are. It seems that for some the ability to look past what they were taught as child and make their own judgements as an adult has not been possible; this has been shown to me more often than not at the moment with people’s judgements on others in and around certain geographic locations.
In the 21st century as a person of obvious mixed heritage, I grew up with some stereotyping around me, I would not go so far as to say racism, but even if you were to call it that, the race that I was being classed as is not what I am, go figure. Therefore I always brushed it off, I grew up in a multi cultural area and have moved into one that is even more so. Around me at any given time you can see people of many nations with fantastic abilities to speak several languages each, putting my GCSE German to shame and showing a superb tolerance for the many cultures that exist.
To be honest I never think or even notice the specifics about the people around me, I guess I assumed that others were the same; I found it amazing how naive some people who I am around every day can be. I don’t claim to be the most knowledgeable person at all and I am well aware that people are raised differently with differing views on life and people; however, I found it quite interesting that a colleague of mine was trying to describe her Muslim neighbour as one of those men who wear the dresses (when in fact she lives in a predominately mixed race area) and the fact that any black man who has a child and is no longer with the mother must be in a gang of some form.
I may have found it easier to hear these comments had they come from my 80 year old white nan who comes out with the most inappropriate of comments at times, as she knows no better, although she should given that she married a Jamaican. Yet they came from someone who is not a native English person themselves, someone who has decided to leave their birth country to lead a different life here in the United Kingdom. Progression is the key to life in my eyes, whether you choose to live in your same house, on the same road, in the same town all your life or choose to hop around the world exploring all that you come across is for no one to judge. I couldn’t care less if you came out in a polka dot dress with bows in your hair and sparkly tights as long as you are a decent person and have good intentions. That way when I’m talking about you to someone, I can say “my neighbour Fred, came out in the most unusual of outfits this morning, not to my liking but you know what, he made it work...polka dots and all”.
Perhaps it is just me and given that I am around so many different people from all walks of life that I thought prejudice and lack of understanding wasn’t so prevalent in this day, certainly in the cosmopolitan town that I live in anyway. I was grossly incorrect though and it leads me to wonder what sort of life will my child grow up into, 4th generation in a mixed society and yet still people cannot see past their own pre conceived judgements. If in doubt ask, I teach my daughter that if there is something that she doesn’t understand she must ask, you can never learn too much and there will always be something to learn.
In the 21st century as a person of obvious mixed heritage, I grew up with some stereotyping around me, I would not go so far as to say racism, but even if you were to call it that, the race that I was being classed as is not what I am, go figure. Therefore I always brushed it off, I grew up in a multi cultural area and have moved into one that is even more so. Around me at any given time you can see people of many nations with fantastic abilities to speak several languages each, putting my GCSE German to shame and showing a superb tolerance for the many cultures that exist.
To be honest I never think or even notice the specifics about the people around me, I guess I assumed that others were the same; I found it amazing how naive some people who I am around every day can be. I don’t claim to be the most knowledgeable person at all and I am well aware that people are raised differently with differing views on life and people; however, I found it quite interesting that a colleague of mine was trying to describe her Muslim neighbour as one of those men who wear the dresses (when in fact she lives in a predominately mixed race area) and the fact that any black man who has a child and is no longer with the mother must be in a gang of some form.
I may have found it easier to hear these comments had they come from my 80 year old white nan who comes out with the most inappropriate of comments at times, as she knows no better, although she should given that she married a Jamaican. Yet they came from someone who is not a native English person themselves, someone who has decided to leave their birth country to lead a different life here in the United Kingdom. Progression is the key to life in my eyes, whether you choose to live in your same house, on the same road, in the same town all your life or choose to hop around the world exploring all that you come across is for no one to judge. I couldn’t care less if you came out in a polka dot dress with bows in your hair and sparkly tights as long as you are a decent person and have good intentions. That way when I’m talking about you to someone, I can say “my neighbour Fred, came out in the most unusual of outfits this morning, not to my liking but you know what, he made it work...polka dots and all”.
Perhaps it is just me and given that I am around so many different people from all walks of life that I thought prejudice and lack of understanding wasn’t so prevalent in this day, certainly in the cosmopolitan town that I live in anyway. I was grossly incorrect though and it leads me to wonder what sort of life will my child grow up into, 4th generation in a mixed society and yet still people cannot see past their own pre conceived judgements. If in doubt ask, I teach my daughter that if there is something that she doesn’t understand she must ask, you can never learn too much and there will always be something to learn.
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